The truth about Tantruming Travis Kelce’s ugly sideline scuffle… the hunkiest quarterback… best ad… and worst halftime show ever – all sealed with a sloppy Swift smooch! KENNEDY’s got the only Super Bowl match report you REALLY need

Taylor Swift won the Super Bowl and sealed it with a sloppy tuck!

Oh no, wait…Patrick Mahomes won Super Bowl 58, but I’m sure Taylor’s caffeinated fans and Joe Biden’s desperate White House will give her all the credit for the Kansas City Chiefs’ win against the 49ers.

It was a real yawn-a-thon that turned into a nail-biting overtimer and saw Peppy Patrick big and best gambling the better team on paper in sunny Vegas.

Cue confetti-drenched smooches, steroidal Travis Kelce hoisting the Vince Lombardi, yelling ‘Viva Las Vegas’, and super-sexy Brock Purdy crying into his jockstrap.

It almost all went off the rails for the slow-starting Chiefs when Tantruming Travis went berserk and punched his 65-year-old coach Andy Reid.

Note to Mr. Kelce: as a 34-year-old near-retirement, you know better than to attack the coach who seemingly benched you because your tight end wasn’t that tight. Boo hoo, big ham.

Taylor Swift won the Super Bowl and sealed it with a sloppy tuck!

Taylor Swift won the Super Bowl and sealed it with a sloppy tuck!

Oh no, wait ¿ Patrick Mahomes won Super Bowl 58, but I'm sure Taylor's caffeinated fans and Joe Biden's desperate White House will give her all the credit for the Kansas City Chiefs' win against the 49ers.

Oh no, wait…Patrick Mahomes won Super Bowl 58, but I’m sure Taylor’s caffeinated fans and Joe Biden’s desperate White House will give her all the credit for the Kansas City Chiefs’ win against the 49ers.

Cue confetti-drenched smooches, steroidal Travis Kelce hoisting the Vince Lombardi, screaming ¿Viva Las Vegas¿, and super-sexy Brock Purdy (pictured) crying into his jockstrap.

Cue confetti-drenched smooches, steroidal Travis Kelce hoisting the Vince Lombardi, yelling ‘Viva Las Vegas’, and super sexy Brock Purdy (pictured) crying into his jockstrap.

Note to Mr. Kelce: as a 34-year-old near-retirement, you know better than to attack the coach who seemingly benched you because your tight end wasn't that tight.  Boo hoo, big ham.

Note to Mr. Kelce: as a 34-year-old near-retirement, you know better than to attack the coach who seemingly benched you because your tight end wasn’t that tight. Boo hoo, big ham.

In fact, for the first half, the 49ers were so busy scoring and embarrassing Calamity Kelce that Taylor was probably left wondering if her carbon-belching grace flight back from Tokyo was worth it after all.

By the way, whatever drink they pumped into her on that long flight needs to be directed to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue pronto.

Was it the billions? Was it an in-flight glam squad? She looked impossibly well rested and furious in her $720 corset and schoolgirl pony.

In fact, up in the C-Suite it was a night of unbridled WAG-a-licious delight. Blake Lively stars as a teenage cheerleader, Brittany ‘Spears’ Mahomes in red latex, Ice Spice… still styling her bob in a ridiculous Cheetos sheen.

Camera-shy hugs, chugging contests and noticeable tight midriffs. I think we all need to shake off a Taylor hangover today!

Talk about wobbly – Usher trotted out on his roller skates to deliver arguably one of the worst halftime performances ever.

He tripped over his ‘hits’ (don’t ask me to name them) and shook his bits, he was sweating like Whitney Houston in a heat wave (side note: sorry Reba McEntire, but your timid anthem was not worthy of Whitney).

Even a sudden undressing display could not save this halftime. Neither could Alicia Keys, who parachuted from Hamas headquarters in her ruby-encrusted jumpsuit to deliver yet more bum notes.

The skates, that hideous obscured fake abs chest plate, the sheer lack of melody… all a big No, no for my money

Speaking of shaky ¿ out, Usher rode on his roller skates to deliver arguably one of the worst halftime performances ever.

Talk about wobbly – Usher trotted out on his roller skates to deliver arguably one of the worst halftime performances ever.

Up in the C-Suite, it was a night of unbridled WAG-a-licious delight.  Blake Lively co-stars as a teenage cheerleader, Brittany 'Spears' Mahomes pressed into red latex, Ice Spice¿ still styling her bob in a ridiculous Cheeto gloss.

Up in the C-Suite, it was a night of unbridled WAG-a-licious delight. Blake Lively stars as a teenage cheerleader, Brittany ‘Spears’ Mahomes in red latex, Ice Spice… still styling her bob in a ridiculous Cheeto gloss.

(Pictured: The couple kiss at XS Nightclub in Wynn Las Vegas hotel)

(Pictured: The couple kiss at XS Nightclub in Wynn Las Vegas hotel)

Camera-shy hugs, chugging contests and noticeable tight midriffs.  I think we all need to shake off a Taylor hangover today!  (Pictured: Brittany Mahomes).

Camera-shy hugs, chugging contests and noticeable tight midriffs. I think we all need to shake off a Taylor hangover today! (Pictured: Brittany Mahomes).

When the cameras weren’t on Team Tay, light relief came in the form of every hackneyed Hollywood type lining up to watch and sneer in a parade of ensemble movie commercials.

There was the trailer of the Wicked movie tease…. Beyoncé’s Verizon country album drops … and Ben Affleck-Lopez looks happier than ever as he danced for his Dunkin’ millions — even as his annoying wife shamelessly flirted with Tom Brady.

From Victoria B to Jennifer A and Addison Rae, the complete alphabet sweep of A to Z list has taken a turn.

But my firm favorite was an annoyed Christopher Walken who had to experience a barrage of Christopher Walken impressions that made me want to buy a BMW. (Michael Cera who sells CeraVe moisturizer also gets a special mention.)

If they weren’t on screen, they were propped up in the stands: Jay and Bey, Crazy Kanye and the Kardashian clan, Gaga decked out in kitty eye sparklers, Jon Hamm and ham-head Justin Bieber.

Ordinary people get sick of omnipresent people making everything on earth about themselves (sorry, Taylor) – so thank God the slow-creeping Chiefs found their mojo and fired up the second half.

When things got tense, Taylor shut down and bit her nails – but a Chiefs equalizer in the last three seconds (you know how to make a girl wait, boys!) we took glory in overtime.

If they weren't on screen, they were propped up in the stands: Jay and Bey, Crazy Kanye (pictured with wife Bianca Censori) and the Kardashian clan, Gaga decked out in kitty eye sparklers, Jon Hamm and ham- head Justin Bieber.

If they weren’t on screen, they were propped up in the stands: Jay and Bey, Crazy Kanye (pictured with wife Bianca Censori) and the Kardashian clan, Gaga decked out in kitty eye sparklers, Jon Hamm and ham- head Justin Bieber.

In the end, it all came down to a coin toss, as fumbling 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan chose to receive the ball, giving Macho Mahomes the rocket fuel to prove himself the Joan Collins of this football dynasty is.

In fact, if it weren’t for Mahomes’ virile dashes and dodges to rush for more yards than his teammates combined — and no thanks to Testy Travis — San Francisco might have kept their double-digit early lead.

Six years younger than Kelce and a loving young father, this cool-headed quarterback could teach Mr. Taylor Swift a thing or two.

Now all that’s left is for Taylor to get Travis down on a sore bended knee, offering some matching finger hardware along with her diamanté #87 pendant. She doesn’t want J-Lo to jerk him off!